Ep 92 Master Your Inner Critic w. Adam Smith

In this episode of The Chief Psychology Officer Podcast, Dr Amanda Potter and Caitlin Cooper are joined by Adam Smith, a mindset and behavioural change coach, to explore the inner critic, negative self-talk, and the language we use to describe ourselves.

Adam shares his personal story and explains how our thoughts, labels, and belief systems can shape confidence, resilience, behaviour, and performance. The conversation looks at how unhelpful self-talk develops, why familiar patterns can keep us stuck, and how changing our language can help us build healthier habits and a more constructive mindset.

This episode covers:

• how to recognise and manage your inner critic
• the impact of negative self-talk on confidence and wellbeing
• why labels and belief systems matter
• how language shapes behaviour and results
• practical ways to reframe thoughts with more helpful language
• how curiosity, gratitude, and self-compassion support change

If you are interested in resilience, confidence, mindset, leadership psychology, or improving the way you speak to yourself, this episode offers practical and powerful insights. 

Episodes are available here https://www.thecpo.co.uk/

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Transcript

Caitlin Cooper 0:04

Welcome to the Chief Psychology Officer Podcast, the show where we dive deep into the psychology behind leadership, business, and success. I'm Caitlin and I'm joined by our very own Chief Psychology Officer, Dr. Amanda Potter, and also our guest today, Adam Smith from A-Game. Today we'll be discussing our internal dialogue, the language we use, and the labels we apply to ourselves, both derogatory and fabulous. So, Adam, welcome to the podcast and thank you for agreeing to be our guest, despite it being slightly chaotic start to the podcast, getting this set up; and Amanda, welcome.

Dr Amanda Potter 0:40

Thank you. I think that was my fault, wasn't it? Moving offices and trying to move technology is not a strength.

Adam’s Background And Work

Caitlin Cooper 0:46

Well, we overcame. Um, Adam, would you mind by actually kicking us off and introducing yourself?

Adam Smith 0:53

Sure. So my name's Adam Smith. I'm the co-founder of a business called A-Game Consultancy. Uh, my qualifications are in neurolinguistic programming and timeline therapy. So I've been in this business for around five years now, and we've worked with CEOs, professional athletes, celebrities, high-performing individuals that all want to better themselves. And I am fascinated by human behavior, where we are currently, where do we want to go, what are the blockers? And often it is down to the words we use to describe ourselves, the labels, the belief systems we have that we've formed through experience and also through external interference, i.e., from mum, dad, etc. And yeah, that's why I'm here today to talk about all this uh really exciting stuff.

Caitlin Cooper 1:35

Well, thank you. And I guess that leads on quite nicely to well, the title of this podcast is Mastering Our Inner Critic. And I believe, Amanda, you wanted to cover this topic after being inspired by Adam's story and the work that you do, Adam. So perhaps that's another good place for us to start, is maybe for you to share your story with our listeners.

Crisis Moment And Gratitude

Adam Smith 1:55

Sure. I'm gonna try to keep this as valuable and as concise as I can. So it was around eight years ago my version of rock bottom hit. So I was getting towards the age of 30, working in hospitality and senior management in bars and restaurants, working 70, 80 hours a week, very stressful around Christmas time. And I was drinking a lot of alcohol to sort of cope with the stress. Often I would turn to drugs as well because you're doing 16-hour days on your feet with no break. It was very difficult. Obviously, this led to the destruction of my relationship. I was with my partner at the time for four years, and it was um by and large a good relationship, but everything came to a head around Christmas and I got signed off with depression. I went to the doctor and said, you know, I've got low mood, I'm really frustrated, I'm not sleeping very well. And he said, Oh, I'm really sorry to say, Mr. Smith, you've got depression. I was like, Oh no. I carried it around like a dead weight for a long time. And when I was signed off from work, my partner said, I can't be with someone that's got depression. She ended the relationship. Then I lost three family members in the space of about a month. One died of a brain hemorrhage, one died of a heart attack, one died of cancer. And then um, I was forced out of that job. So they said we can't have a senior leader that is depressed. And they went to the other managers of the venue and said, We need to get Adam out. So we want you to follow his every move for the next four to six weeks. We need to gather enough evidence to get rid of him. And I got told this by one of the managers at the time who refused to take part in it. So when I looked at my life at that time, my blueprint was not 30, single, overweight, unemployed, having to move back in with mum and dad. But that was my reality that I was staring at, especially having lost three family members. So I started to rebuild myself over time, went to therapy and took a few breaks from alcohol and got a new job and that kind of thing. But then it just became worse because the new job that I got was a nighttime venue where alcohol, one night stands, drug fuel binges were rife, and it was just the acceptable thing. So that's exactly what I did to try to fill that void of misery and loneliness. And then the fourth funeral that I attended that year was of my best friend's dad. And at the wake, I drank about eight to ten beers. And because I was drinking so much, eight to ten beers at the time was nothing. So I thought, right, that's it, I'm just gonna end it now. So um, quick proverbial trigger warning. I'm gonna mention uh suicide ideation here for anyone that's listening. I Googled how to do it, and eight years ago you'd find answers, sadly. Gosh, it would come up with plans, it would come up with pain-free plans, how best to do it without a family member finding you. You name it. It was like a full. Yeah, very available. Um, not hard to find at all. Whereas now, obviously, the positive thing is as soon as you type in S UI, it comes up with loads of websites and solutions, which is great. But at the time that wasn't accessible as much as it was to find out how to do it. So I thought, right, well, I said goodbye to mum and dad that day because the wake was only five to ten minutes away from their house with every intention of crashing my car. And uh I got in and I didn't want to hurt anybody else. So I just picked like a derelict area, was driving at 100 miles an hour, and then it just came up on my dashboard that mum is calling. And as soon as I saw it, I just hit the brakes, um, you know, answered the phone, just like, oh, you've left your wallet here. Do you want me to drop it off for you? And when I did hit the brakes, the car span out of control, and luckily no one was harmed. And I was pulled up into a lay-by and just sobbed because I thought this is rock bottom, it can't get any worse. The odd thing is though, even in that moment of utter pain and misery, I thought, how lucky am I that I've got a loving mother and father? How grateful am I that I've got my brother and his partner in my life and a kid at the time, etc., etc. I started to bring in gratitude, but I was still mortified and I was carrying a lot of shame and a lot of guilt around what nearly happened, and that's taken years of hard work to undo that. But I realized that guilt and shame can only exist when judgment is present, and if you lose judgment and replace it with curiosity, you make your mind a lot freer and a nicer place to be. So rather than saying, Why did I do that? What's wrong with me? Common vernacular, but very unhelpful. So instead, it was, I'm wondering what made me get to this point. And on reflection, I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. There's a big difference. So from that moment, I've rebuilt myself. And you know, five years ago, I took a break from alcohol. I'm still alcohol-free five years later. I went on to go set up my own coaching practice. I've coached over 500 people, sold out men's retreats, got my own podcast, etc., etc. Um, but I don't tell my story to pat myself on the back now. I tell my story so people can understand that you can be at the pits of despair and misery and still turn it around. So that's what I'm here for. It's my the story isn't mine anymore. I don't see it as my story. I see it as a story to help others. And not everyone listening to this will have suicide ideation, but I'm certain by the end of this podcast, you'll develop a lot of very helpful tools that I used to help reshape myself and how to reframe my mind, and something that I've taught hundreds of times to others. So yeah, here we are in the present. And um, I'm happy, fulfilled, and really pleased where I'm at.

Dr Amanda Potter 7:21

Do you know what? It's so interesting that in that moment when you stopped and paused, that you had those competing emotions, that you had shame and guilt, but yet you had gratitude. And that's what's so interesting, isn't it? That you can have such extreme negative emotions that overwhelm you at the same time as those really uh comforting positive emotions of gratitude and recognition of family and loved ones. So once you've stopped and you reflected, how how did you get to where you are now, though? Because that's a massive, massive step that you've taken.

Rebuilding Through Basics And Support

Adam Smith 7:58

Yeah. So slowly with a lot of support, and I needed to rip off the mask, and that was the most painful thing that I think I've ever experienced was surrendering my ego. Not that I don't have one now, everyone's got an ego, and having it is in parts can be healthy, of course. But I'd created a character and an avatar for people to like me, all the while not really liking myself. And that's the most damaging thing I think any person can go through. I've worked with rape victims, I've worked with people that have lost both parents in a car accident, I've worked with people that are stage four cancer diagnosis. And out of everything that I've seen, honestly, the most painful thing we can experience as human beings is losing ourselves. And the reason why is because we spend a lot of time with ourselves. And if you don't know who you are, you are going to act out of alignment every single day with your value systems, with your beliefs, with what you think is right and wrong. It's exhausting. And this is what leads people to addiction, it's what leads people to suicide ideation, it's what leads people to cheat on their partners, etc., because they don't know who they are or what they stand for. And I didn't for a very long time. And I would say I've only become fully accepting of it. I mean, I don't even know if I fully have, to be honest, I'm still working on it now, you know, and I think it's a work in progress. But to answer the question, I started with what a lot of people avoid, which is the absolute basics. And COVID was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it was awful for a lot of people, but I'd already had my go-through. It was a good chance to pause and to reflect. And I was a mess, you know, I was 30 kilograms heavier than I am now. I wasn't sleeping, I was highly anxious, eating junk food most days, drinking too much alcohol. So, you know, it's imperative to not overlook the absolute basics of self-care and self-hygiene. And when I say hygiene, I don't just mean showering, but I mean getting dressed properly. Yes, brushing your teeth and sorting your hair out is important. But getting outside in nature, drinking water, eating healthier, stop scrolling on your phone endlessly, practice a bit of mindfulness, maybe introduce some journaling about how you're feeling, practicing gratitude, spending time with loved ones. This is the blueprint that I followed and that compounded over a long period of time to see the benefits. But people overlook the basics because they think it's too simple. Also, you're telling me that if I just drink water, get outside, eat healthily, and da-da-da-da-da that I'm going to feel better. Absolutely. It's not gonna be worse.

Caitlin Cooper 10:32

People underestimate it so much, don't they? We find that all the time when we're talking about it.

Beliefs, Habits And Small Steps

Dr Amanda Potter 10:37

You've just literally listed all of the things that we talk about all the time. But that point you're making around the way in which we talk to ourselves and our dialogue and the fact that we have this avatar, not necessarily a good one. I think most of us have quite a self-critical view of ourselves. How did you make that shift from having a really quite a destructive perception of who you are and the way you lived your life to where you are now? Because it's fundamentally different from what I can see, Adam.

Inner Critic As Inner Child

Adam Smith 11:05

Yeah, it is. So there's a lot of different areas to this. Some of it can be belief systems, some of it can be general habits and behaviors, some of it can be standards, strategies, etc. So, for instance, I didn't believe that I deserved to be in good shape. So I wasn't. And I would eat junk food because I thought I deserve to be out of shape, I deserve to be miserable because look at what you've just done to yourself, you're an idiot, right? So then I started thinking, right, well, I can start to change this. So the belief system started to shift when I started working on myself with a coach. Great. They helped me see that I was perhaps being very hard on myself. So then I would look at the behaviors and the habits. So if I believe I deserve to be happy, but I keep drinking alcohol and then I don't get outside, there's a misalignment straight away, and cognitive dissonance starts to form because you've got the ideology of where you want to be and you've got your existing behaviors and they don't match. So they're causing huge resistance. But some people have a fantastic belief system. I deserve to be healthy and happy. They've got a really good standard, let's say, of going to the gym. They're all at the gym with me at 6 a.m. But some of the standards and strategies they have for when they're in the gym are dreadful. They get up at five, they eat healthy breakfasts, they drink water, they're in the gym, and then they're in the gym and they're scrolling on the phones. Yeah. And they don't do anything. Then they go upstairs and have a fry up, second breakfast, and then so they start beautifully. Yeah. So I find it really interesting that your standard is impeccable for actually attending the gym. But once you're inside the gym, it's dreadful. So, how can we look to change that? How can we bridge the gap? And it's not the sexy answer, and it's probably quite stereotypical. But to build a successful house, you start with the foundations. You can't just chuck a load of bricks and just hope it forms. And people try too much too soon. So, although I listed eight things that you can do, you have to just start really, really, really small. So, don't think of it as I'm currently overweight and I want to stop drinking, right? That's it. I'm gonna start going outside running 10k now and I'm never going to a pub or bar again. Maybe, just maybe, the goal is to open your laptop, go onto Amazon, type in running shoes, and go out for a few walks. And then when you start to do that, you can go out for a longer walk. And then maybe you're doing that, you want to start introducing a bit more water. And can your next meal be a bit healthier than the last one? It doesn't sound a very sexy answer, but if you let these behaviors compound over 90 days to 120 days, you're gonna be unrecognizable. And that's all it was, to be honest with you, Amanda. It was a slow rebuild with a combination of external help, the right strategy, and an altering of my belief systems that I could do it and that I was worthy of it. So the mask needed to come down because the character was created. I still have an inner critic, he still can be a bit noisy from time to time, and because that's the old habit, it's the old mindset, it's the inner child within all of us. Because a lot of people say inner critic or inner chimp. I refer to it as inner child. That inner child needs nurturing and it needs respecting and it needs caring for. Sometimes it needs to be put in its place, but by and large, we don't want to ridicule it. It's trying to keep us safe and familiar. Often it's misguided because it's viewing your current situation as a child, but it also softens it if you think of it as an eight-year-old that you're nurturing rather than shouting at you as an adult, you wouldn't dream of screaming at an eight-year-old, you're an effing idiot, and you need to do this. So, why do we do it to ourselves? So true.

Dr Amanda Potter 14:45

And but I think the point you've made there about that in a dialogue, you know, do I personally believe that I have the right to be happy and healthy and to live a fulfilled life? Or do I not think that? Do I truly believe that I'm going to deserve that? And if I'm depleted, for example, if I'm super tired, if I don't look after myself, I don't tend to eat junk food. But if I don't mind, I don't get enough sleep because I am in the gym at six every morning. And I am one of the people who really blast it, I really push really hard. But what happens is I might stay up too late at night as well, so I may not have enough hours' sleep, and that's where my real depletion comes from. What happens is I start to get a negative rhetoric in my head, and that's the thing that I find hard to manage, is that I stop believing that I deserve to be happy and healthy, even though I'm doing everything right because I don't get enough sleep necessarily. That might be the one thing. So maintaining that can be really tricky. Changing a belief system through habits is pretty phenomenal, but I agree with you, very gradual. But there are for all of us, even myself, who has I personally have my thing's food, I struggle with my weight, and I've lost eight stone three times in my life, which I've talked about on the podcast. And this is the this third time, the one time I've managed to keep it off. And that's because I'm in the gym every day without fail. I do between an hour to two hours, sometimes three hours a day in the gym. So I do a hit class followed by a spin, and then in the evening I go back and do yoga. And it's because of that that I manage and maintain, but it's quite hard still, even despite all that and doing everything right, to keep a positive belief system. I have to work at it.

Reframing “I Struggle With” Language

Adam Smith 16:26

So go back a few a few steps here, and I'm gonna be panickety now. Okay. Do it. I really struggle with food. Now, what I encourage people to do is when I think I deconstruct sentences, I'm obsessed with words, okay, and what they mean. I struggle. Now, when I think of a struggle, the technical definition is a great fight from a restraint, and it sounds exhausting. It is. So when we are in a struggle, we are either attacking or we are defending, and either way, it's exhausting. So, where I'd be encouraging you to reframe this is formally I would find it very challenging to get it the right balance with food. However, I'm working on it and I'm becoming better every day. Because otherwise, it's I, as in self, struggle with food, and we have to eat food to survive because alcohol we don't need. So some people say to me, I struggle with alcohol, or I struggle with the thought of not having alcohol. But we don't need alcohol to survive, but we need food to survive. So as long as the rhetoric, as you alluded to earlier, is I have always struggled with food, you will continue to do so.

Dr Amanda Potter 17:40

It's like you're telling yourself, yeah.

Adam Smith 17:42

Correct.

Dr Amanda Potter 17:42

And actually, your second statement is completely true. I wrote it as you said it, which is I find it challenging to get the right balance with food, but I'm getting it right. Something like I'm getting it right every day. And that's the truth, actually.

Adam Smith 17:54

Yeah, that's the old familiarity. Because people say, Oh, it's just I'm just in my comfort zone, Adam. And I'm like, Comfort? Like, yeah, but you just not you, but someone else might say, I'm overweight, I'm drinking too much, my marriage is going to hell. All right, I'm just in my comfort zone. What what part of that is comfortable?

Dr Amanda Potter 18:13

That's terrible.

Adam Smith 18:14

Yeah. And they're like, Oh my god. Do you mean familiar zone? And they're like, Oh my word. And you can see the walls coming down because we all have a resistance to the words that we use to describe ourselves. My coach does it with me, and his coach does it with him. So, you know, it's it's not like I've got it all figured out and I don't have challenges, but it's imperative to have someone to hold the mirror up gently with compassion. And when we can do this to ourselves, we can start to understand the power that the words have and the weight that they carry is enormous if we allow them to be. So when people say to me, I've always struggled with anxiety, that's a very common phrase. It's not always you didn't come out of the womb anxious unless you've inherited it genetically. It's probably a matched and mirrored behavior of the parent whose love you were craving the most of, or who gave it you the most of if the other parent wasn't around. And you've developed an unhelpful strategy for when you feel anxious. That's the reframe. Not I've always struggled with insinuating that it's an object. And anxiety isn't an object, it's a set of complex emotions. But where are you feeling the anxiety? Where's the tension? As Gabo Mate says, wherever there's tension, give it attention.

Dr Amanda Potter 19:33

Yeah. How brilliant that I used that language, and it was a perfect example because that is something that has been a focus in my life. How brilliant that I use exactly that language, and how brilliant I now have new language to reframe it.

Adam Smith 19:48

That's it.

Thoughts, Labels, Beliefs And Actions

Dr Amanda Potter 19:49

I will promise to myself that I will do that. So could you talk through the language point? Because that's the real highlight of this podcast, isn't it? That inner critic. How do you master the inner critic, then, Adam?

Adam Smith 20:02

So everything starts with thought. Now it's imperative to remember that we are not our thoughts. We get around 2,000 thoughts every hour. 80 to 90 percent of those are quite negative, and they're also repeating thoughts. So it doesn't surprise me, Amanda, that you said they're struggling with food, always have struggled with food. You're probably going to think about it today, you're probably going to think about it tomorrow. Da-da-da-da-da. Right? So we will have it around our partners if we're going through a difficult moment in our relationship. We'll have it around work. If the business is struggling, you'll have the same thoughts on repeat. But I can't stress this enough. You are not your thoughts. Imagine how exhausting it would be if you identified every single thought that you had. You walk down Oxford Street. Oh my God, she's attractive. Whoa, how tall is he? Is that car gonna hit that kid? Oh my well, you drive yourself to distraction. So, what we do is we have a negativity bias and we decide what thought to focus on. So, some people, if you gave them a million pounds, would go, yeah, but think of the taxes. Because that's the way that they're wired, perhaps, because that might have just been old conditioning. So allow the thought to be there, and you have to identify it. And if you are in the comfort of your own home, which might look a little bit crazy if you do this out in public, say it out loud. Thought. I'm coaching myself all the time behind the scenes. I might even be out on a walk and I've got my headphones in, and it looks like I'm on the phone, but I'm just talking to myself. And people go, that's very odd. Well, perhaps, but what's the alternative? Right? Because we confuse what is normal and what is common. People talk to me all the time about that. Oh, it's normal to eat junk food in the morning. It's not normal, it's very common though, right? So thought comes in. What most people do is they go from thought to action and they miss out two key components, which is labels and which is belief systems. So let's imagine that we'll give an example of you're going for a job that you're quite nervous about going to the interview. Okay. Thought comes in because let's say it's in a couple of days. I'm gonna completely mess this up. I'm not prepared. I don't know why they're interviewing me. I'm not good enough. I'm just gonna mess this up like I always do. Label. Yeah, you're not good at interviewing. Do you remember that one that you went for 10 years ago about stacking shelves in Tesco when you're 18? You can't do this. Belief system. I come across really badly, don't I, when I meet new people? Yeah, you do, yeah. Action probably won't prepare accordingly. You'll probably turn up quite nervous. You won't give answers in your truest form. You'll be stuttering, everything that you say will be rushed. Result, you don't get the job, it reaffirms the belief. Now, what we have to do is interrupt this thought. By the way, the thought's gonna be the same. I can't do this. I'm useless, I'm really bad at interviews. Whoa, pause. Thought. I'll say this literally out loud when I have these thoughts, but you can just write them down. Is it true? And you might be really down on yourself that day, and you might go, Yeah, it's true. Yeah, yeah. Can I say with 100% certainty that this thought is true? I'm not good enough. I can't go for this job. I'm wasting everybody's time. Uh no. Okay. Who would I be if I didn't have this thought? Oh wow. Uh, I guess I'd be more confident. Okay. I'd be more focused. I'd go in prepared. Great. So, what's a more helpful thought? And for anyone listening back to this now, out of all the podcasts I've been on, hosted, thousands and thousands of pounds spent on coaches, YouTube videos, watched, you name it, people always ask me for what's one gem. It's this what's a more helpful thought? Because it's not false positivity, rah-rah, it's just more helpful. So the more helpful thought comes in. Oh, well, I've been in this organization for five years. I am kind and compassionate and I understand people. And if this business has been in existence for 50 years, they're not going to suffer fools easily and want to waste their time. So there's a reason why they're interviewing me. Great. What's another helpful thought? I'm going to do the best I can and I'm going to prepare and I'm going to study and I'm going to ask great questions. Great. What's another helpful thought? This doesn't define my worth. If I don't get it, it doesn't mean I'm a loser. If I do get it, it doesn't mean I'm the king of everything. It just is. So I'm just going to go in there with no expectations and absolutely nail it. Great. Now we move on to the labels. And again, you want to use labels that you actually believe. I don't believe in false positivity, rah-rah. I believe in saying something you actually believe. So if you don't think you're beautiful and amazing, don't say beautiful and amazing. Say I'm a great dad or I'm a great mum or I'm a hard worker or whatever. Belief. I prepare accordingly for interviews because that's who I am. That's my standard. Watch your actions. Make bullet points. Turn up on time. Wear the appropriate clothing. Ask good questions. Results you're not in control of, but they're a lot better. And I would imagine you're probably going to get the job correct. So that's a brief, I say brief, it's quite long, but that's how you do it. You want to start with the thought, because you can't avoid that. Label, belief, actions, results. But to cut through all of it, honestly, when you feel really down on yourself, and I'm an idiot, I'm stupid, I'm worthless. Whoa, that was quite strong. What's the more helpful thought? I did this with a men's retreat that we do. Okay. So year one, we had 10 people signed up, our first retreat. Amazing. Absolutely buzzing. And maybe two, three weeks before, we had four people drop out. And we didn't have all the terms and conditions set up, and we didn't, you know, so we missed out on the payment of it and that kind of thing. And I rung my coach and I said, I'm absolutely fuming. He said, Why is that? I said, Well, we've had four people drop out from our retreat. He said, All right, okay. So why are you so annoyed by that? I said, Well, because there's only six people now. He goes, What's the more helpful thought, Adam? So what? It's the first time I've heard it. I've never heard this question in my life. And I was like, I can't take all credit for it. It's his question. I said, uh, what do you mean? What's the more helpful thought? I'm fuming. And he's like, no, no, I understand. I'm not invalidating your feelings, but what's a more helpful thought? I went, we've got six people on our first retreat. How cool. He went, there you go. What's another helpful thought? They're gonna have more time with us. What's another helpful thought? The testimonials are gonna be better. What's another helpful thought? We'll get more food, right? So ever since that day, something just clicked in my mind. I was like, oh my god, how much pain I could have avoided in my life if I just kept asking myself what a more helpful thought is.

Dr Amanda Potter 26:38

And do you know what? What's so amazing is if we think about the vagus nerve and the nerve of compassion, because it's so hard to access the nerve of compassion, to be kind to ourselves when we're feeling down, feeling depleted. And actually, what's the helpful thought activates it. It just takes us to a new place.

Angela 27:00

Ever wonder what's really driving your team success or holding it back? With BeTalent psychometric tools, you'll get evidence-based insights that transform potential into action. Ready to see what your team is truly capable of? Visit the CPO.co.uk to learn more about our Be Talent Resilience questionnaire and our other tools. If you'd like to take the conversation further, contact me on LinkedIn. That's Angela Malik, M-A-L-I-K.

Caitlin Cooper 27:27

I was thinking one of my questions for you, Adam, was going to be around how many times. Obviously, you just said for you, it kind of just after that disaster you want, you it kind of clicked. Do you find that that is the case for everyone? Or is there kind of a certain amount of times that you have to find yourself in the situation and then say what's a more helpful thought before you truly start, you know, doing it without almost having to think so much about it?

Using The Tool With Care

Adam Smith 27:48

Yeah, great question. I would say when you're new to it, there'll be big resistance and you need to be very mindful over how you use this. And don't use this with your partners, don't use this with your loved ones. Because if my partner comes home after a hard day and she says, Oh, day from hell, oh, what's the more helpful thought, sweetheart? I'll probably get us back. So you probably would. Yeah. It's all about the delivery and tonality. So if I said, What's the more helpful thought? Or oh, you sound like you've been quite hard on yourself. Um I'm wondering what a more helpful thought here might be. Oh, all right. Oh yeah, I'm not a complete idiot. Oh, great. I've got her into create a stage. So it is about delivery as well. I have to make that clear. But to answer your question, I would say it's like anything. Some people pick it up really quick and a light bulb goes off, and other people need a bit more repetition. But they'll have conscious incompetence, knowing they know they're not good at this right now. But after a while, they'll become consciously competent. I am good at this, and then unconscious competence is what we're all chasing that we don't even know why we're good at something. But it's the key is just to keep remembering it, and that's the skill because everyone knows the framework, everyone knows that they don't want to feel bad, but it's old wiring that'll almost be like a light switch going off. Negative thing happens. Some people have RSD or ADHD, where they tend to be a bit more sensitive around rejection. So it'll go to this feeling of not being good enough right away. And that's what mine is. I've got ADHD, I've got dyspraxia. If I hear a rejection of sorts, straight away, click of the fingers, I'm back to being a seven-year-old in the classroom. I've been told I'm not good enough and I'm stupid.

Caitlin Cooper 29:23

Sends you into overdrive.

Adam Smith 29:24

Correct. So it's not like I just go, what's my helpful thought, Adam? And snap out of it, but it might take me an hour or so, as opposed to taking days or weeks before and renumerating around the negativity. So I would say the more you do it, like any skill, it is a skill, by the way, to be able to ask yourself these kind of questions and break free from the victimhood and frustrations of life. But like anything, you'll get easier.

Dr Amanda Potter 29:47

I like the structure you've given to it. I do too. I think the one thing that's making me think about is that we can become quite pig headed in those situations. We hold on so dearly to those beliefs, like my I really struggle with food. Because I've told myself that for such a long time, that it's very hard to change language and belief systems when you have told yourself something so consistently. And that leads me to a conversation that we were having around age and how well embedded these belief systems are when you're in your 50s. I suppose from your experience, Adam, is it harder to change a belief system with someone who's in their 50s, 60s, 70s than it is someone in their teens, 20s, 30s?

Age, Evidence And Changing Minds

Adam Smith 30:32

Um, I'd say sometimes teenagers can be way more stubborn than the older generation. What I tend to do with people, especially the high achievers that I work with, I operate off data. So there's one guy who said alcohol doesn't impact your sleep. And I said, Hmm, okay, interesting. So, as with every client that works with me, we give them like a few suggestions of things, and we recommended getting a whoop band. So I said, Right, when you get your whoop band, I want you to do a moderate level of exercise and I want you to have a glass of wine. He's like, You want me to have a glass of wine? I've signed up to not have a glass of wine. I said, Oh no, I want you to have a glass of wine. He's like, okay. So he looked at his recovery the next day and he was about 40% recovered, which is not good.

Caitlin Cooper 31:15

I can confirm with my whoop, it's true.

Adam Smith 31:18

Right? So it's 40% recovered off a moderate level of exercise, one glass of wine. The next day, he didn't drink any alcohol and he did a big workout, it went up to 72% recovered. The next day, no alcohol again, hard workout, 90% recovered. And I said to him, Would you ignore data like this in your business? What do you mean? Well, if something went from 40% to 92% in the matter of two days, would you say that's a positive thing or a negative thing? He's like, Oh my god, right, done. And it this sounds overly simplistic for a lot of people listening right now, but he's been two and a half years alcohol free now because he came to me with his walls up. It can't be the alcohol, Adam. It just can't be. I said, okay, well, let's just look if it is. I knew it was, but um, trying to change his mind in that moment would have been very difficult. So instead, we're just operated off data. What I sometimes do for other people if they don't understand the impact that their behavior is having. Oh, maybe ask your family. What? Ask your family what they think about your drinking or about whatever, without being judgmental, but just asking, am I fully present at home? Would you think it'd be more beneficial if I stopped drinking alcohol, et cetera, et cetera? And most of the time they get the data back and obviously it's quite negative, and they go, right, I need to make a change then. Because we can go into our own narrative and believe it all we want, but we need to look for evidence. We need to look for new data to change that mindset. So yeah, I wouldn't say it's uh necessarily an age thing. I think it's just how it's presented. We can still challenge it in healthy ways, and some people just haven't had enough pain yet, simply when it comes to making change, unfortunately.

Friends, Identity Shifts And Boundaries

Dr Amanda Potter 32:52

Do you know what? It's made me think about something which I haven't really thought about before, which is when you've got a family member or a close friend who is a food addict or likes drink, but they're known for it. And then when they change, because we don't like change, it's hard to accept. So seeing a family member suddenly get very sporty or to stop drinking, it's hard to accept because they're the person you used to get drunk with and have fun with, or they're the person you used to have a big meal with or go and buy a takeaway with, or whatever. And because their habits impact their family members or their friends. What advice or support do you give people in that situation? Because I've experienced it, because uh again, maybe around food less so now, because it's been 10 years that I've kept the weight off this time. So I don't have that experience. But people would want to buy me Easter eggs, for example, because they'd know I'd like chocolate. I mean, they've all stopped doing that. They'd know nobody does that now. But for a while, they continued buying them because they thought that's what they should do, or that would be what would make me happy. Does that make sense?

Adam Smith 33:56

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. The the biggest problem in most people's relationship, I would say 95% of the time, maybe even 99, is lack of communication. And we all think we communicate well, and the reality is that we don't, and silent demands never get met. So if we're hoping and praying that someone will change and that they'll stop leaving the bloody socks on the floor or the bloody toilet seat up, and these little things compound. But if it's a big thing and we're not communicating that, then how quickly do you think the frustration's gonna build and resentment? So I've seen this over and over again. I used to be a personal trainer in my early 20s, and the wife might come to me and want to lose weight, and she loses two or three stone, and then the husband says, Oh, I preferred you before love, you know, the guy might lose weight, and then the woman might become insecure. Don't you be going off gallivanting after other women tonight, etc., etc. It's like spouse envy, basically. But you don't just have it with your spouse, you can have it with your friends too. So before, in my friendship circle, I was doing quite well in the gym. I never had any problem attracting, you know, women or anything like that, but my job wasn't paid very well. So they had that status above me, most of my friends. Now, when I started my own business, there was a group of 10 people, maybe 12 people from my hometown that set up a WhatsApp chat and they would put all screenshots of my posts in ridiculing me. I'd do an Instagram, exactly. I'd do an Instagram poll saying, Hey, is anyone looking for coaching? Trying to get my name out there. They'd all come over and vote no. Hosh. Exactly. And I only found out that this WhatsApp chat existed because one of them left and told me. Now, the reason why I say that is because their viewpoint of my status had increased. Well, let's say we're all here, okay, in a roundabout way, and then I've started my own business. They maybe thought, hang on a minute, we preferred you when you were managing bars. What's going on? You need to come back down here. So, how can we do that? We could either elevate ourselves or we can try tear you down. So they would try tear me down by commenting on my post negatively, leaving negative reviews. Mental, absolutely mental.

Dr Amanda Potter 36:01

Gosh, that's quite extreme. I mean, I think where I was going, and I was being probably a bit polite about it, is that I think you're absolutely right. I have seen insecurity from others when I've got myself in shape.

Adam Smith 36:14

Oh, yes, not surprised at all.

Dr Amanda Potter 36:17

Not so much now, but yes, I did initially. But because there's such a revolution of people losing weight now, I think everybody is kind of acknowledging actually so many people want to get their weight under control. But I do think it makes other people insecure when you appear happy from the outside or when you've got your shit together, basically.

Adam Smith 36:35

Yeah, there's no bigger mirror to the insecure than to see someone making progress. And when you're surrounded by the wrong people, not to say they're bad people, by the way, but they might not be aligned. So when your identity, like mine was, is wrapped up in the dog and duck with Dave and Dan talking about uh football and women and all the other vapid nonsense, then straight away when you stop drinking alcohol, oh, what's up with you? There's a there's a big problem and a big resistance because they're saying, I've known you as this thing, and now you are no longer that thing. So I realize very quickly who my friends were and who my acquaintances were. Now, to your point earlier, Amanda, how do you communicate? It's by using crystal clear and effective communication with your friends as to what you're doing. So getting sent Easter eggs and you throw them in the bin every year or giving them to a friend, or at some point you probably will have said, Listen, I really don't want you to send me Easter eggs anymore. I'm on a weight loss journey, and if I have it in the house, I'll probably eat it. Yeah, because I'm exactly the same. If you put a Domino's pizza in front of me right now, I'm gonna eat it. But on no planet am I gonna order it.

Dr Amanda Potter 37:43

Yeah, yeah. No, me neither.

Adam Smith 37:44

That's just to know myself. I know that about myself, and I'm accepting of that. I don't ridicule myself going, what's wrong with you? You can't just have a Domino's pizza in your house and not eat it or chocolate. No, I can't. But I'm not going to the shop or I'm not bringing one up. And you might do that, and I don't, so that's okay too. So using crystal clear communication, let's imagine a few different scenarios. You want to stop drinking alcohol. I always recommend to people, listen, send a message to your group of friends. Oh, I can't do that. It's gonna create a mountain out of a molehill. No, it won't. The alternative is you go out this Saturday and you say to Dave and Dan at the dog and duck, not drinking tonight, lads, that's not gonna go down very well, is it? And you're probably gonna be peer-pressured into doing something you don't want to or getting into an argument. The alternative is to be vulnerable and you say, Listen, I'm having some challenges right now in my personal life. I'm looking at taking a break from alcohol, and I'd really appreciate your support when I go on this journey. Can we do that? And if they might jest and take the mick out of you a little bit initially, fine. But if you go out the next few times and they keep prodding and poking, you can then use the next level of crystal clear and effective communication. Listen, I did mention a few weeks ago that I need your support, but right now this isn't really happening. Where do we go from here? I'm either going to continue to go out with you and you don't say anything to me, or we go for a walk or we do something else instead. And if you don't want to do any of that, then I guess it's best we don't hang out anymore. So everything comes down to, again, different labels because people will put labels on you. Oh, you're boring now, you don't want to know anymore, you've changed, and they're trying to make out like it's a bad thing. But in actual fact, you're doing it for the benefit of you, you're not attacking them, but because they're insecure, because they're not ready to do the work on themselves, they're going to try to keep you at a level that they feel comfortable with, because by you upgrading in their mind means that they're downgrading.

Dr Amanda Potter 39:24

Yeah. Mike just did a finger pointing downwards motion for the people who can't actually see me. Yeah, I completely agree. So I think we're moving more towards the end of the podcast, aren't we, Caitlin? So, Adam, if you were to give our listeners one thing that they could take away, what would it be?

Adam Smith 39:41

Have empathy for your inner child, but don't be an enabler. So, what do you mean by that? You can be very empathetic and kind. Let's say you're on a weight loss journey and someone puts a chocolate bar in front of you and you eat it, and you might before, rather than going, oh, you fat idiot, what's wrong with you? Pause. Okay, I had the chocolate bar. I let myself down there, but tomorrow I'm not going to do that. Empathy. Then the next day you go into the news agents and you go, hmm, chocolate bar. And you have another chocolate bar. And then you have empathy and you go, oh, it's all right, you're doing the best you can. Then the next day you have more chocolate. This is now enablement. So don't miss twice. If you have it once, allow yourself to have it without judgment, because then you can't have guilt and you can't have shame. And instead be curious, be empathetic, be understanding, be accepting, and move on. Because otherwise, you are going to fall into the proverbial trap of misery, despair. And why did I do this? What is wrong with me? I always do this. Before you know it, you've consumed 10,000 more calories without batting an eyelid when you're right back to where you were before. So yeah, I would say have empathy for your younger child, but don't be an enabler.

Dr Amanda Potter 40:51

Very good. And that point around judgment is so important. Those two words of blame and shame. I mean, they're pretty awful, aren't they? Being kind to yourself. Absolutely. If we could be a little bit kinder every day, that would be just wonderful.

Adam Smith 41:04

Yeah, because the thing is we guilt is I did something bad. So oh, I ate the chocolate bar and the weight loss journey. Shame is I am bad. I am that behavior. This is who I am as a person. But it's the same. We judge others so harshly, or we fear of being judged by others so harshly because of how much we judge ourselves. That's the only reason why. So if you're fearful, going for that job or setting up that new business, or you know, wanting to pursue singing or whatever, oh, everyone's gonna laugh at me, everyone's gonna think I'm an idiot. No, you think you're an idiot and you're laughing at you, or you're laughing at others and judging them. So just take a day off and you'll realize that in the nicest way possible, no one actually cares.

Caitlin Cooper 41:45

I was just having this conversation with Sarah earlier, my manager, our COO. So we were literally having that same conversation about we're thinking about ourselves a lot more than what anyone else is thinking of us. Oh my god, yeah.

Dr Amanda Potter 41:57

Oh yeah, massively. Well, that was amazing!

Caitlin Cooper 41:59

Yeah, thank you. I mean, I think I speak on behalf of both Amanda and I. We definitely learn a lot. And also I think that you've really highlighted the power that things like gratitude and curiosity and as you say, empathy and all the all these things can have. And also thank you for sharing your story. I definitely had goosebumps, and yeah, I feel like the structure and the tips that you've given to us and our listeners are gonna be really helpful. So thanks, Adam.

Adam Smith 42:23

Thank you very much.

Dr Amanda Potter 42:24

I found it very humbling. I mean, after 30 years of psychology, I feel like I've learned so much this in the 40 minutes with you, and actually, I'm going to try and change my language. That's that's gonna be my promise.

Adam Smith 42:37

Pause. I'm going to try.

Dr Amanda Potter 42:39

I'm going to try. You asked Robert to cut this from the podcast. Now I think it's automatic.

Adam Smith 42:46

Yeah, I think it's good. Yeah, I'm going to try. I am okay. I am. I am. Because even if we say I'm going to do, it implies that we're not already, because then we could put it in a future date. I am changing my language as of this moment.

Dr Amanda Potter 43:01

Interestingly, my intention was there, but my language wasn't right. I'm just looking at I was looking out the window thinking, did I not really believe that? Actually, I did really believe that. I just need to practice on new language.

Adam Smith 43:14

Yeah, it's transformational vocabulary. I'll just quickly on this. So one guy said to me the other day, yeah, I think I'll potentially give it a go. I was like, You think you'll potentially give it a go? Said transformational vocabulary. I won't use the exact language use, but I am gonna thin smash this. I said, Yes, you are, because you've given yourself enough conviction and you are gonna change your entire physiology when you use transformational vocabulary. Because if you sat in your chair, slumped down, going, Yeah, I'm gonna kill this, I'm gonna absolutely smash it, it's a complete incongruency from the language and from the physiology. So when you match the words with the energy of your body that you're giving to it, amazing things can happen. It's known as like priming, getting yourself into prime peak state. Is not doing this because when we lay here and we go, What is wrong with me? Your brain has to come up with an answer and goes, You're an idiot. Oh god, yeah. Maybe try next week then. Maybe I'll just do the diet on Monday. You know, I'll start drinking, I'll stop drinking in the new year. I'll I'll see how I go. No, give yourself enough conviction to say this is not acceptable, it's not where I want to be. I'm going to make changes now and then do it.

Dr Amanda Potter 44:24

So I'm going to end this podcast by saying I find it challenging to get the right balance in food, but I'm getting it right every day. And I am going to change my language consistently for the future.

Adam Smith 44:35

I previously found it challenging.

Dr Amanda Potter 44:38

Oh my goodness.

Caitlin Cooper 44:39

I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to be put on the spot there.

Dr Amanda Potter 44:43

This is like the elevator pitch podcast where I had to practice that one loads and loads.

Adam Smith 44:48

I've been really panickety here, but again, if we identify as the current existence, it always will be. So I have, you know, in the past found it challenging.

Dr Amanda Potter 44:58

I have in the past found it challenging.

Adam Smith 45:00

Not anymore.

Dr Amanda Potter 45:01

Okay. No, in fact, I don't anymore, so that's all good.

Adam Smith 45:04

There we go.

Dr Amanda Potter 45:06

Well, that was just incredible. Thank you so much.

Adam Smith 45:09

My pleasure.

Caitlin Cooper 45:10

Well, thank you. That does bring the episode to an end. So yeah, thanks, Adam. Thanks, Amanda, and thank you to our listeners. And if you like what you heard, then do feel free to give us a rating so more people can tune in and hear wonderful conversations like this one with Adam.

Dr Amanda Potter 45:24

Thank you very much. And thank you to our listeners. Hope you have a wonderful, successful, and healthy day.